I don't always say what's on my mind...though I think it.
Yep I'm shy....
At my Mom's second marriage I hid under her polyester gray skirt...those are the wedding photos. I was five.
Called on in class....I usually knew the answer but said nothing. So shy... I said nothing.
Forced to get my driver's license in 1987 on my actually birthday...I think I was sick to my stomach.
Also on my 16th birthday, my Mom said you need to get a job. Drive the car....the one I just bought with my babysitting money and interview for the job. I did. On my 16th birthday, I got the job. I was so horrified I cried.
The first time I had to put gas in my car....my hands shook not because I had to pump gas but because I had to talk to and pay the attendant...yep...I was that shy.
In high school everyone thought I was so aloof, a snob, stuck up.....nope...horribly shy.
Shyness reached well into my adulthood.....affecting me almost everyday.
Diagnosed with cancer in 2004....I realized that my shyness would actually hurt me. I had to ask tough questions and get tough answers. I had to have thicker skin and question authority. I had to make tough choices and accept the criticism of those who didn't understand my choices. These were so far out of my comfort zone it made me sick to stomach to think about. It kept me up at night.
By this time I had moved somewhat out of my box but a cancer diagnosis pushes you so far out of the box and then crushes it so you are left looking around with exposed to the world. You have two choices you can run and hide or you can fight.
I choose to fight...to "Fight like a girl, in lipstick and heels" and while I am often criticized for my coping methods....they are MY coping methods. Until you walk a day in my heels, criticizing me and my fight seems a little unfair. Even my doctor says I do it my way. "MY WAY" certainly isn't right for everyone and may be unconventional but it works for me. It allows me to overcome the shyness and insecurities that have plagued me since childhood and allows to be stay alive.
There will always be haters in your life. Those who disagree with your decisions, those who don't like your honesty and rawness, those who think you do things for the wrong reasons. When I lost the comfort of my box I also learned to slowly let go of those who don't have your best interests at heart. They are the negative nellies of the world who would suck out the last breathe of your life if possible.
Loosing the negativity gave me strength beyond my lipstick and heels. It gave me courage. Accepting that people might not like me or understand me gave me the freedom to be me.....the real me. Not the woman who hid in the box.
So believe it or not...I'm still shy. I just lost the box that covered it up well. I still feel insecurities and vulnerability even when I have on my lipstick and heels. The difference now is I am strong enough to admit those insecurities and vulnerabilities and to not let control my life or my fight for my life. I have to strength and courage to let myself be comfortable in my own skin...whether other people like me or not.
So even though everyone might not agree....I think I will continue to "Fight like a girl, in lipstick and heels...always heels">
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